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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Harsh but fair
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.