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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious