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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.