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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.