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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.