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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices