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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I cannot stop laughing at this
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My spirit animal is fried chicken
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable