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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
pizza
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.