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A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasnât too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, âREMEMBER THE ALAMO?â and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasnât made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
What I say: âAgree to disagreeâ
What I really mean: âYou are dumb and I will allow you to stay that wayâ
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you shouldâve kept that secret, huh?
There should be a âLife of Piâ TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*accidentally likes a hot girlâs photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
It do be feeling this way.
Weâre just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5â2â. this is not the skirtâs fault
Ask someone if theyâll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, âthat man is the murderer!â and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, Iâd have a hard time not waving at them.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if sheâs pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as âskydiving accidentâ, âtemporary blindnessâ and finally my personal favorite âcartwheel incidentâ
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Geppetto: Whew itâs a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fireâs running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[parent/teacher meeting]
âyou mustâve read to him as a babyâ
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didnât even know him when I was a baby
me: sorry weâre late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I mean Iâm not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.