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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
βRobots are going to take your jobβ yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Mustβve been an earthquake
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
βDonβt boil lobsters, because they can feel painβ say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say βMs. Luck got a salad in her waterβ
*students erupt in laughter*
When I can sheβs been typing her reply for 5 mins.
