🙀🙀🙀😹
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me