馃檪馃惥
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4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he鈥檚 using the litter box
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you鈥檙e a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen鈥檚 show, who sees me walking onto ellen鈥檚 show*
both me鈥檚: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
An alien abduction but it鈥檚 just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I鈥檓 awake.
consequences, the bane of my existence
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I don鈥檛 know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn鈥檛 stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn鈥檛 actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
True?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Ah yes, it鈥檚 that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they鈥檒l bring me to financial ruin