🙂🐾
You Might Also Like
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir