🙂🐾
You Might Also Like
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!