🙂🙃🥹
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.