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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon