🙄😏😂🤣
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Not today, today.
Not today.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The future is now.
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.