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just witnessed a drug deal
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?