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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Catering service
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army