Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.