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I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
2024 has been a rough few years
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
thank god
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.