Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again