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OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out