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there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.