Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

crochet youtube is brutal

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.