Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds