🚲+physics = winner
You Might Also Like
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
![]()
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u