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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My dog learned how to text
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not to brag, but mine was free
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..