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JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Somedays I just love AI so much
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.