🤔😂😂
You Might Also Like
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’