Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”