🤔😂😂
You Might Also Like
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote