🤔😂😂
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.