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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It鈥檚 just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it鈥檚 a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Wow…Looks like I鈥檝e added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I鈥檓 getting fatter.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
happy valentine鈥檚 day to me
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I still don鈥檛 unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you鈥檙e a corrections officer. you鈥檙e not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!