Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

see next tweet for some translations

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.