🤝
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.