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We know he can swim but…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.