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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Optional boss fight.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved