🤣✨#caturday
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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
my nickname in college
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”