🤣✨#caturday
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
this isn’t threatening at all
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
the last thing a carrot sees
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
always be there
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.