🤣✨#caturday
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house