🤣😂
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
i want to work in this restaurant
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches