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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he鈥檇 never remember it.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13鈥檚 unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Remember they鈥檙e just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i鈥檓 calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn鈥檛 you
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: It鈥檚 time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: 鈥淥ne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀