🤣😂🤣
You Might Also Like
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Muppet Screams
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.