🤣😂🤣😂
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
That’s it.I’m out.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”