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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Ghost costume 😂
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.