🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
@funTweeters
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified