🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
wow he looks just like him
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud