🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
#merica
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño