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Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
bro what is going on at twitter
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
lol
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.