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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: Thereβs no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice fromβ¦
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Iβm going to need a moment here.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I swear to god after this election Iβm taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Iβd be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because Iβm tempted to ask what cause they are referring toβ¦ clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
marvel comics have peaked
Writing a work email:
ββ¦I have an unexpected conflictβ¦βMy autocorrect:
ββ¦I have an unexpected condomβ¦β
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Thatβs fair
High school teachers: your college professors wonβt be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.