🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
You Might Also Like
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.