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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep