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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.