🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
