🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.