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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.