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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo