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Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*