🤣😂🤣😂
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I saw nothing
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.