🤣😂🤣😂
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Real House Wines.