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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook