🤣😂🤣😂
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.