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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.