🤣😂🤣
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.