Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty