π€£π π€£π OUCH!
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I think itβs bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i donβt think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that donβt know how to land?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didnβt like. π€·π»ββοΈ π©
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Donβt try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life