🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Self-cleaning conscience
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”