🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me