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Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.