🤣😈🤣
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Stop.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.