🤣😈🤣
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I love it all
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament