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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
No selfies while hijacking a train.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.