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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Good morning.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just me and my debit card against the world
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.