Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

This meal prepping shit easy

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Childbirth is so beautiful

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.