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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”